


warped by ghost heat

by crookedspoon



Series: Exchange Fics [74]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Awkwardness, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, POV Dick Grayson, Past Sexual Abuse, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22656133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedspoon/pseuds/crookedspoon
Summary: Dick knows that everyone deals with situations differently, that wounds heal at their own pace. So why can't he just get over his own baggage faster?
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Series: Exchange Fics [74]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/51139
Comments: 10
Kudos: 180
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5





	warped by ghost heat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arsenic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arsenic/gifts).



> Just as a little warning, this fic deals with Dick's discomfort surrounding sex and alludes to what happened with Mirage. Also, Jason used to be a sex worker for reasons that didn't make it into the fic after all. Hope that works out for you.

Minutes after he's turned off the spray, he's still standing in the shower, hand braced against the slippery tiles, droplets falling off the tip of his nose and his chin. The air of the bathroom is cold against his damp, overheated skin. Again, it stirs uncomfortable memories.

Dick grabs a towel and scrubs them away as best he can, not feeling any cleaner.

He really thought he would be over this by now. How long since the first time they've had this conversation? Too long, in any case. Dick is tired of it. Tired of his own failure to just be okay. 

All Jason did was climb into his lap and Dick just--he just... 

Dick takes a long inhale and clears his mind. Then a long exhale. It doesn't help with the clammy feeling, but at least it stops him from spiraling down that rabbit hole that makes him feel even worse about himself.

He doesn't even know what he's getting so worked up about. It's not even like anything _bad_ ever happened to him. Unlike Jason, who actually had some tough experiences but doesn't seem affected by them in the least.

Dick blows out a breath, wondering not for the first and probably not for the last time why he can't be more like Jason in that regard.

Jason is waiting for him on the bed, appearing to be relaxed, but Dick knows from experience that he'd leap to his feet faster than Dick could turn the other way. It was too much to hope that he might have gone ahead and fallen asleep already.

"Sorry," Dick murmurs as he slips onto the bed and into Jason's embrace. He's exhausted even though they haven't done anything.

"No, I'm sorry. You weren't feeling it. I should have noticed sooner."

"It's no big deal. You could've just... you know, continued. Taken what you needed. I would have been all right. I mean, I am all right."

"Well, you had kind of a different look about you. Spooked. Didn't want to push it."

Jason's fingers are tracing patterns along Dick's spine and it's nice, it's soothing, and it's making warmth travel all across his skin. Dick is beginning to tingle.

"Don't worry so much about me," he says.

"I'm not worrying," Jason mutters against Dick's temple before pressing a kiss to it. 

Dick wrings the hem of Jason's t-shirt, silent for a while. He's torn. He doesn't want to argue. He knows Jason is just doing what he thinks is best for Dick. But there's a pit in Dick's stomach that makes him feel so ill he _needs_ to lash out at someone, even if that someone won't take the bait.

"You don't have to treat me with kid gloves all the time, you know?"

"Is that what I'm doing?"

"Feels like it. You're always holding back, and you stop at the slightest sign of discomfort from me."

"So now you're telling me I should overpower you and take what I want, no matter what you have to say about it?" Jason scoffs. "Not gonna happen."

"But if it's what I want?"

"It's not what you want."

"How do you know what I want?"

"Dick, sweetheart, you're a people pleaser. You do all sorts of mental acrobatics to convince yourself that you want what others do to you, no matter how you feel about it. Just so you don't offend anyone. But just because you can tolerate it for a time doesn't mean you want it. Trust me. I used to be a professional. I know what true pleasure looks like."

Dick feels seen. Exposed. He wants to curl in on himself, away from Jason's clear-eyed gaze that seems to be able to strip him down to his pathetic core.

Instead, he sits up, slipping out of Jason's arms. He looks down at his palms, open in his lap.

"I still want to be intimate with you, you know? Make you feel good."

"Aren't we being intimate right now? You're sharing all this with me. Letting me in."

"You know what I mean."

"Sure, but there are many ways to be intimate. Many ways to make each other feel good. It doesn't all have to be one way. If sex is important to you, we can figure something out."

"It's not important to you?"

Jason shrugs. "It's a pleasurable pastime, but if _you_ don't enjoy it, what's the point?"

"What about your own enjoyment?"

"This is going to sound silly and I'm only half-joking when I say my professional pride is at stake here. If you don't enjoy it, I've failed. Besides, I get enough enjoyment from watching you."

"Doing what?"

"Anything, really." Jason grins and presses a kiss to Dick's cheek. "As long as you're having fun doing it, you know?"

Dick sighs.

"I dream about it sometimes," he says. "That something like it happens again, you know? That I have sex with you only to find out later that it wasn't you. That it was some sort of shapeshifter who'd taken on your appearance. That I should have known it wasn't you but didn't. And that you're so disgusted with me you won't even look at me anymore. And then you leave. And you don't come back."

"Hey," Jason says softly and rests a tentative hand on Dick's shoulder. "I don't want to make light of your fears, but that's some grade A bullshit, you know that? The only thing I'd do in such a situation is to make the shapeshifter's life a living hell for doing that to you. He's to blame, not you."

"But I should be able to tell it's not you. The more I think about it, the more certain I am that I _did_ notice something was off but that I ignored it."

"Know what I think? I think you're getting way too much in your head about this. In hindsight, all the signs are there. Of course they are. Memory is malleable. You remember what you want to remember, and it's so damn convenient for your own narrative, right?"

Dick makes a face. "So you're saying I'm doing all that out of self-pity?"

"That came out wrong," Jason says with an air of genuine embarrassment. It's a rare sight, and precious because of that. It means that Jason is not afraid to let his guard down around Dick. "Sorry. I get so caught up in--it doesn't matter. I just meant that there might not have been anything to tip you off that night. But since you obsess about it, you're convinced that there was. But Dick, the thing is, it wasn't your fault."

"I'm still not convinced," Dick murmurs, staring at his open palms, watching his fingers curl and uncurl.

"Is it really that hard to believe that Kori might have overreacted? And that she was wrong to lay it at your feet?"

"It is. Kori was never wrong about these things."

"There's always a first time."

"If you were with Kori right now, and she were blaming herself for accusing me of cheating on her, would you be taking her side as you're taking mine right now?"

"I'd probably be holding my peace. Otherwise I'm bound to say something she's not gonna want to hear."

Dick huffs a breath. He balls his hands into fists and looks at Jason. He's still not able to meet his gaze head-on, but peering at the vicinity of his eyes should be enough.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," he says.

"You call that snapping?"

"I'm serious."

"I know. I'm trying not to be."

"I noticed. But. I'm not really in the mood for jokes."

"Okay," Jason acquiesces. "Anything else you're in the mood for? Something light-hearted and silly perhaps, to fall asleep to?"

"Can I, um," Dick begins and wrings the blanket in his lap. "Can I blow you? To give you something, at least?"

"You don't have to give me anything."

"I want to."

Jason exhales slowly, scratching his head. "Rain check, maybe? Truth is, I'm tired."

"Sure." 

Dick himself feels too restless to sleep. His mind is abuzz with all the things he wants to do with Jason but that are somehow out of reach for them because Dick can't get out of his head long enough to enjoy himself with Jason. It never used to be a problem before. Before, he could just smile and nod and moan a little, and that would be enough for his partner.

Which is not to say that Jason is demanding. Quite the opposite. But the thing is that Dick is far from used to such treatment. It scares him, in a way. Makes him unsure. He'd rather Jason didn't care about how Dick felt and just... went for it. And least that's what Dick's familiar with.

Jason holds his open palm right in Dick's line of sight and wiggles his fingers. An invitation. Reluctantly, Dick takes his hand. Jason blows a kiss to his knuckles.

"You know that I still love you, right?" he says.

"You didn't sign up for this," Dick says, unable to hide his discomfort.

"Uh, yeah, I did. I signed up for all of it. And that's the end of that." Jason looks at him with wide puppy dog eyes. The kind he knows Dick can't resist because he's weak. "Please?"

"Sorry," he says, unable to hide the smile wanting to break out. "I didn't mean to question you."

"Apology accepted," Jason says and lies down, tugging Dick with him and putting out the bedside table lamp.

As the darkness settles around them, Dick finally feels himself settle with it. For a peaceful few hours he can let go of his own expectations of himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "salvage" by Rachel McKibbens.


End file.
